Clarity

I should clarify that the Accidental part applies to staying at home, not to motherhood. The road to motherhood was a long one for me. I am, *gulp* 37 years old. Life just didn't quite work out the way I thought it would before I got around to having kids. And the adventure isn't over. We'd like at least one more which puts me a lot closer to 40.

I never really realized it until my first Ob/gyn appointment after getting pregnant. I was informed that, since I was 35 at the time, I would be put in the ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE category. Whoa, it sounded so scary. And it felt like that...all in caps. They make you take more tests, more bloodwork, more sonograms. I had a very straighforward pregnancy, but the whole time I had this panicky feeling like I was a ticking time bomb due to my age. All the worries the drs and the midwives had turned out to be absolutely false. I had a healthy (albeit gigantic) baby naturally and without any issues. I can only hope I don't worry as much the next time around (knock on wood).

I do wonder occasionally what it would have been like to be ...let's say 25, and a new mom. Would I have more energy? Maybe. Definitely less patience. Less ability to take a step back and laugh at a situation or just roll with it when something is clearly out of my control. I would have less money, and I probably wouldn't be able to stay home. I would have taken fewer risks overall with jobs, so I might not have felt as satisfied with that part of my life.

Mentally, I don't think I would have been prepared. You never really know what to expect from becoming a parent until you are in the thick of it. But a decade ago I was a sensitive mess, so to speak. I couldn't watch a scary movie without having nightmares. Blood made me quesy. Not to mention the great amounts of vomit, poop, drool, and half-chewed-up food you deal with on a daily basis as a parent.

I would be in a completely different relationship. One that couldn't weather all the ups-and-downs of new parenthood. Something I need to remember after a nice 'discussion' with my husband while trying to put up the world's most disfunctional baby gate. We get to the other side of things. Its not always easy, but we do.

Along with the money comes living where we do. I doubt I would have been able to afford a nice neighborhood in the suburbs. As much as I felt trapped by suburbia growing up in New Jersey, I see the value of it now that I have a kid. Its safe (as safe as you can get in this day and age of scary Dateline episodes and news blurbs). There are lots of kids around to play with and grow up with. There's a really good school close by. The playgrounds are clean, there's plenty of room to walk and run and play.

I guess once I finally look at it all this way, I realize I'm happy I'm doing it now. Not like I had a choice, mind you...but I can at least look at it in a positive way.