I Need a Break

I live a blessed life...believe me, I know. I'm married to one of the greatest men I've ever met. We have a beautiful and healthy little boy, J, who just celebrated his first birthday. We just moved into our dream house a few months ago. And on top of it all, we can afford for me to stay home full time with J.

Not everyone has this luxury. I certainly never thought I would. When J was a few months old and my maternity leave was coming to an end, we sat down one night and looked over our finances and realized it was possible. (Well, there's a whole lot to that night but that's for a different post :)

So here I am, nine months later, plodding along through the daily ups and downs of motherhood. Trouble is, I never planned this. I was a career girl all the way, with all its aspirations and motivations. I mean, I never liked working, don't get me wrong. Who likes working? But we have to do it...so I did. I explored all sorts of career paths, and all the extra school or training that each involved. Again, later post. And then one day I just...quit.

That was it. No more getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for work and brave the commute. No more daily grind. No more coworkers complaining about every little thing. No more exhaustion just trying to get to the end of a day, or a week, or until vacation. Just no more.

At first it was exhilarating. I felt like I was playing hooky. The first couple days were actually a thrill. I felt like I had gotten one over. On who, I don't know. Like I just bowed out of the rat race and said, "I don't have to do this anymore".

It was nice for a little while. I didn't have to get dressed if I didn't want to. I got to play with J all day. I could go to Target any day of the week.

But then it hit me. No more work. No more coworkers complaining. Okay...that part is good, but no more coworkers also means no more daily interaction with adult humans. Wow. That was a culture shock. Who knew how important social interaction was. Without it, you kind of go a little nutty. Like desperate calls to the hubby nutty. Pumping him for information on what is going on at work, out in the world. Dinner out with friends turns into an exhilarating experience just trying to catch up on the littlest things. I definitely miss that about work.

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So did I mention schedules? I used to work twelve hour shifts. It took a little getting used to but it also made for some nice long weekends. Now, you ask? Now my shift is 7am to 7pm-ish. Still twelve hours. But now its every day. Not so bad now that I'm almost done breastfeeding and hubby can take J for a little while on his days off. But up until then...whew. When did I sign up for this? Twelve hour shifts every day with NO days off. None. Oh and no vacation time. And did I mention that in your off-time (7pm to 7am) you are ON CALL. Yes, on call. Be ready. At a moment's notice the infant alarm may sound and you have to go back to work. And by the way...you don't know for how long. Teething? Try a couple hours. Crazy nightmare? At least an hour. One of the lovely things referred to as a 'growth spurt'? Forget about it...just pack a lunch.

Okay, okay. So onto the actual topic of Needing a Break. Every so often I feel myself start to lose it. It usually builds up over a couple of days, especially when I haven't gotten a lot of sleep or when J is just particularly clingy/needy. I start feeling like a zombie. I start developing tunnel vision. Suddenly my beautiful, curious, wonderful child starts feeling like an anchor. Like that story of the albatross. I'll have to look that one up to see if it applies.

That's when I know I need a break. Something, anything. An afternoon out with the girls. Lunch with an old friend. Just Something.

It happened this week. The building. Unfortunately I usually wait until its reached a dangerous combustible level to tell my husband. See, it usually coincides with the end of his work week. When I've been alone with J too much. And, unfortunately, usually when hubby is burnt out on work himself.

This time I had no plans with anyone in the near future. So, being sensible, I realized I had to take matters into my own hands.

Me to hubby: "Babe, I'm losing it. Could we work it so I could go see a movie or something this week"

Love my husband. Love him. I needed him to have my back. To see the desperation in my eyes and to say, "sure Baby, whatever you need. I'll take J all afternoon on Thursday." But no. Hubby didn't respond that way. He kind of gave me a blank stare and mumbled, "I guess so."

And then it began. The complete breakdown of communication. For the entire day we were snippy with each other. It wasn't anything in particular. It was everything. He began telling me all the things I needed to do to manage my time better. And then the big one hit. The sleeping issue.

See, I'm vehemently against cry-it-out (or sleep-training or whatever we want to label it these days). I just don't believe in leaving my child to cry uncontrollably until he exhausts himself and passes out. Its a hot-button issue for us. You think you'll be on the same page parenting before you get into it, but you are never completely on the same page. The thing is, we are for most things. Except this.

The pediatrician gives you a piece of paper and says this sleep-training is what they recommend. Oh, it'll just be a few nights (of what...pure hell? While I listen to my child scream and ignore him?) Now I admit I can partially blame my upbringing. But hubby just hears the dr say it and jumps on board.

Okay, now I need to step down off of my soapbox for a minute. Anyway, here I am rehashing the sleep argument we've already had a million ways and all I'm thinking is, "Fuck me, I just asked this man for a break because I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally overwhelmed and he decides to just add fuel to the fire?"

So we somehow manage to get through the sleep argument. And lunch at his brother's while still trying to appear like a happy married couple. And the rest of the evening...more bickering, more fighting. And finally, we're in bed for the night and I'm just trying to shut down the day and relax.

That's when dear hubby decides to tell me...after a whole day fighting...wait for it...that when I told him I needed a break, he took it as criticism that he wasn't doing enough and went on the defensive.

Yup, a whole long miserable day because he took I NEED A BREAK wrong. What the fuck people, what the fuck. Sometimes living with other humans is a never ending lesson in patience. Needless to say, I never got my break. Never went to the movies. Just a couple hours of down time.

That's probably what led me to start this blog today. I need to just get back some me time and let it all out. To the impartial internet limbo world that doesn't know me or judge that I'm complaining about my perfect life. Thank you, internet limbo...just thank you. For listening.

I feel a hell of a lot better.